Ever pray so hard for something and it seemingly goes unanswered, or comes back, “no”? A few months ago it became clear to me that a man I had begun to give my heart to was not going in the same direction I was. I knew where I was going, while he was still figuring out his path. In the past it would have taken me longer than necessary to accept his decision and let this person go. In His mercy, God has taught me better over the last few years. I chose instead to focus on the lesson and the blessing from the situation.
God might have said no, but changing what I say yes to has been a game changer
Getting to practice who I want to be in a relationship has been an enormous blessing. I have been able to see what God has been doing in me and the work I have been doing on myself; I have grown so much and am capable of so much love. And now, moving forward I get to ask, who is worthy of my inner circle?
Brene Brown calls this concept, “your marble jar friends”, Jesus had his inner circle of three. Not everyone can be in your inner circle. Not everyone can have access to your heart. I am in a place where I know where I am going. I want a man who knows where he is going and wants us to go together.
I’m learning that just because I am a safe space for someone else does not mean they are a safe space for me.
When something or someone doesn’t align, the quicker I let go, and the quicker I am open to the things and people who do align. I can invest time and my heart to a greater degree in those who are on the same path as me.
Philip3:14 “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God called me hear onward in Christ Jesus.”
This passage talks about the prize of heaven and, for me, that means I can’t press forward when I’m consumed with what is behind me. To fulfill God’s calling for my life I need to stop looking back, because I’m not going that way. Instead I ask, “What is God doing and revealing right now?” “How are the people he is putting before me showing up for me right now?”
God wasn’t surprised by what happened or shocked. My promised land doesn’t depend on what happened, the choices of others, or my past.
I know that part of my calling is to be a wife, another is to be a community builder, to help women draw closer to the heart of God in a supportive, safe, and accountable community. In both these callings there will be setbacks and challenges. There will be disappointments, but in both there is an opportunity to say “Yes.”
Jesus will always give us exactly what we would have asked for if we knew everything he knows. How incredibly trustworthy HE is! How merciful and loving. In faith, God will take anything that happens and use it for good and for His glory (Rom8:28) and with Christ, the best is always yet to come (John10:10). When I believe that, I shorten my fight time and the entire game changes.
These truths help me to let go of what’s not meant for me quicker. Letting go doesn’t necessarily mean I cut people out of my life or treat them differently. It simply means they are not part of my inner circle. They don’t get the same degree of access to my heart. That is reserved for those who align with my vision and purpose. This goes both for my relationships with men and with women as I build community. I say “yes” to being available, to being treated well, to reciprocity.
There is power when I align my actions with my integrity and vision. My integrity in relationships with men says, “I will not settle for false intimacy. I am worthy of intentionality and commitment”. This means I will watch for reciprocity and intentional investment of time, attention and energy.
I have also learned that these things need to be accompanied with a claim. Again, I am in a place where I know where I am going, want a man who knows where he is going, and we are in agreement that we want to go together. Therefore, I am looking for alignment with a man who will articulate clearly where he is going, and that he indeed wants to go together. These men offer protection in the form of being deliberate and intentional in their actions; provision through how they show up, plan and invest in me/us, and claim their intention clearly.
In community it’s aligning myself with women who are seeking community, accountability, reciprocity and a deeper intimacy with God. That doesn’t mean I’m not friends with women who do not seek these things, nor that there aren’t women that are part of my greater community who don’t share these pursuits. However, those in my inner circle, my marble jar friends, will be those who are seeking these things and seek to hold me to them as well.
In both friendships and potential romantic interests I am learning to watch for true reciprocity. How does this person bring their energy to me? How do we resolve conflict? How do we continue to show up for one another in truth and integrity? For a long time I would gain too much self worth with how I showed up for others. I cherish the friends who often remind me, “Kasia, how is this person showing up for you?”
The moment I let go of what was I was able to press on toward what is to come, like Philip3:14 eludes to. Accepting what is in the present, I began to see God’s abundance in these areas, both an abundance of incredible men who are moving towards me with intention, as well as women who are seeking the very community I desire to create.
I have seen the power of living out of my integrity by showing up for others and myself in a way that honors God because I am living out my values and vision as opposed to attaching my self worth or identity to others behaviors. This has been a true treasure.
When I live out my values and vision I honor God, others and myself better. I am so clear on the direction I am going that those who are going in the same direction become clear to me too. Those that are not are no better or less than to me, they are simply on a different path.
God’s power at work is often hidden, subtle, silent even. Yet, in His hands what I give Him is always enough. I can move in faith towards my vision without seeing what the outcomes will be because I can trust that He is giving me the strength, wisdom, rest and renewal that only He can provide. This is how I show up to do my work and let Him show up to do His. So I say yes more to His ways over the way I think or thought something should have gone. And His ways never fail to surprise me in the sweetest ways. Something is shifting, changing. Fear is leaving and peace comes rushing in. I remaine curiouse, hopeful, expectant; Because He is good and His promises remain.
Rm8:28 He is working it all together for my good.
Jesus will always give me exactly what I would have asked for if I knew everything he knows. How incredibly merciful and loving!
Strong Girl For Life 
Love this Kasia!