My word for the year has been Abundance. It’s been a year of returning to my heart faster so that I can see and experience the abundance God provides. When I’m living from my heart, connected to God, people see and feel it. I see it, I feel it; I feel vibrant and clear. But, when I’m in my head and my heart is anxious or heavy, people also see it and feel it, as do I.
Jer 17:5-8”Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh.. […]That person […] will not see prosperity when it comes. But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water.”
It’s been a journey of returning to the truth of Jer17, that if I can’t see prosperity, it’s not because it isn’t there. Rather, my trust has shifted to my own flesh. I’m in my head again.
Joy brings with it confidence. Joy is a pervasive sense of well-being. It comes naturally when we are confident (confide literally means, “acting with faith”) about who we are and what we are doing. When my confidence is in God, I act in faith, from my heart. I take greater risks- in life, my career, at the gym, in all my relationships. I see abundance (prosperity), I overflow with joy, regardless of life’s circumstances.
“Not only so, but we also glory in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Rom5:3
My perspective has shifted so much this year on how I view God, myself and my circumstances. I’ve shortened my fight time by accepting what is and letting go of so many false beliefs. I’ve come back to grace and to myself faster each time.
Unspoken beliefs can hold tremendous power over us. Mine sent me straight to a place of fear instead of love. Fear is a sure sign I’m relying on my own strength. Fear is always self-centered while Love is self-giving. Fear always makes things about me and turns me against myself. Love builds up, assumes the best, let’s go. Love takes risks. In the gym, fear says, “you won’t ever be able to do ring muscle-ups, why try?” Love says, “You won’t know until you try and look, you are almost there!” In my work, fear says, “You have always been bad at writing proposals.” Love says, “Give it your best, and look, the draft came back with barely any edits, boss loved it!”
When I am in fear my entire energy changes, and those around me can feel it. It’s a pushy, anxious energy fueled by a fear of not being worthy, protected or loved by God. I can at times feel shame for still wrestling with these things. However, I am learning to embrace that healing is a lifelong process. I will have these backslides into fear because I am human, but I don’t have to live there.
It hasn’t been a perfect year, in fact if I am honest, there has been quite a bit of heartache, disappointment and uncertainty. As a friend said, “A lot of things just sucked!”.
In these times I’ve learned to shift my thinking from asking “Why?” to asking, “What” or “How”. So instead of asking, “Why did x happen or not happen?”, which I have no control over. I now ask the following:
- What have I gained?
- How have I grown?
- What have I given?
- What has this accomplished in me?
As I ask and answer these questions they connect me to the rich truth and power in Romans 5. As the passage above describes, I actually connect to the glory of suffering and access the perspective of perseverance I need to grow my character and my hope. I access God’s love and goodness despite the “suck”. I literally trade my shame in for His love and grace.
I’ve learned to be a better friend this year, to meet those in my life where they are with more grace and love. I’ve learned to extend more grace to myself and therefore those around me. I’ve taken greater risks at work, at the gym and in my relationships, showing others more of who I am, my heart and my flaws.
I’ve learned that for a long time I had an unspoken expectation for people close to me to be exactly like me – rather than see who I can build a life and community with. It’s been so incredibly powerful to let go of how I think things ‘should’ be, and just hold to what’s important to me. Leaving the ‘How’ up to God, has literally opened up the world to me and allowed me to see His goodness and abundance like never before. It’s also allowed me to hold more space for the people in my life, to meet them wherever they are in their journey.
In my dating journey I’ve learned a great deal as well. I’m looking for someone who I can build a life with, and learn more about Jesus with, together. This has been a big shift in my thinking. In the past I’ve had way too high standards for someone else’s walk looking exactly like mine. I don’t want to be a teacher or study buddy to my future partner, I want reciprocity. I am embracing that I am valuable just because I exist, not because of what I have to offer. My existence and who I am is enough. I’m learning to own and come back to just how worthy I am and celebrate it more daily. When I do, I soften, I share my heart, I let go of what’s not meant for me quicker and I savor each moment.
Intimacy with God and others is moment by moment and deepens only through commitment and time. As I have seen His abundance more, my commitment and intimacy with Him has deepened. I’m learning, daily, to let go and trust His timing over my desire to know the outcomes. As our intimacy has deepened I have learned to come back to and trust his goodness faster even in moments when I am tempted to doubt it. The more I see how God holds space for me and loves me in His abundance, the more I am able to hold space for and love others, sharing His goodness and abundance with them.
“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry,whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philip 4:11-13
I am not perfect. I will continue to fall and flail at times. I can still be pushy or anxious. And, I will continue to come back to Him, myself and His goodness one moment at a time. I will continue to grow.
Strong Girl For Life 